I have come to realize that I am really good at worrying. If worry was an Olympic sport… I would sign myself up in the categories of anxiety, overanalyzing and people-pleasing. I think I would win a gold, silver and bronze, in that order.
If I could put worrying on my resumee, I would.
“Bailey Bollinger, excellent student, loving daughter, girlfriend, and friend, top-notch worrier: She can do all your worrying for you!”
I wish I was kidding. There are times in my life that I get worried about other people’s problems. And by other people’s problems I mean anything from world hunger, to human trafficking problems, to whether or not my friend has a good grade in her Anatomy class. Or how many chapel skips my roommate has. And even, whether a co-worker got that internship she talked about last week one time.
Sometimes when I lay down at night, I can literally hear the tracks in my brain running at full speed. I picture a little, hamster on a wheel inside my brain running as fast as his poor little body can in order to keep up with my crazy train of thoughts.
What if I my alarm doesn’t work for class tomorrow morning…and then I miss, and then my teacher gets mad and flunks me and then I can’t graduate and then no other school will want me and then I will have to stay in America and work at McDonald’s forever and live at home with Blue. Ok the very last part isn’t so bad. What if BLUE DIES????? SHES GOING TO DIE SOMEDAY I JUST KNOW IT. HOW DO I MAKE IT SO SHE CAN’T DIE?? ….. Ok now it’s bad.
I read a bible study recently that paraphrased Philippians 4;6,7 into what the author ACTUALLY DOES on a normal, daily basis. Here is my own paraphrase of those verses: “Do not be calm about anything, but in EVERYTHING by stressing out and having panic attacks, with indecision and sleeplessness forget to tell God your requests and just worry; And the uneasiness of your spirit which transcends your WHOLE body will cause you ulcers, stomach issues and insomnia and then you will utterly lose your freaking mind.”
I laughed out loud reading the author’s paraphrasing and all I thought was….ME TOOO!!! PRAISE JESUS I AM NOT ALONE!!!!! And then there was the….oh my gosh I am totally going to lose my mind.
And just before I started worrying about losing my mind because I was worrying…I heard this still small voice in my heart go…Whoa, Bailey Jo…heyyyy…talk to me darling, talk to me…I’m right here…talk to me sweet girl, I haven’t gone anywhere.
I almost picture my dad’s voice…because I can hear him say…Bailey Jo, heyyyyy look at me, it’s going to be ok, everythings alright, I’ll take care of things. And then I see myself, about five or six, climb up into his lap, sob for a little while about the “overwhelmingness” of everything and finally realize that it REALLY is going to be all ok.
A couple things I have learned in this life….1. I am SO very thankful for the earthly father that Jesus has given me. He teaches me every day what it means to love people unconditionally and how a man should lead and love his wife and family. 2. My dad isn’t perfect, he makes mistakes, he has faults, he’s human…and there are times when I am completely without him, like when I’m in a foreign city for the first time. But the most important thing that I have grasped over the past eight months, is that I have a heavenly father who IS ALWAYS THERE.
He’s there in St. Louis, in Springfield, in a little cabin in Lampe, MO, in Clay County Kentucky, in Brussels, Belgium, on the metro, on the tram, in a small pub, on the dark streets of a new city when I’m by myself, in London, in Paris, and even right here in this little cubicle I call home. And no, I don’t hear him from the loud speakers at football games, or from the stage of a rock concert… but man, His still, small, quieting voice can warp my whole heart in one moment.
Someone once told me it is important to look at yourself as your “kid” self sometimes…because that is who we are when we are under our “father’s wings”. Well, as a kid, and pre-teen, I was this awkward, glasses-wearing, braces filled, dangly thing…Who had no idea what life was about. Who was scared of thunderstorms, the rapture, and any sort of change. And I know that when I worry…I revet right back to that little girl, so scared and vulrenable of everything. I am so glad I serve a God who loved that dangly little girl so much. Even when she didn’t even like herself all that much…He loved her, just like her big strong Earthly daddy did … And in that moment, I see my Jesus, pick me up and hold me tight until I can remember who I am and who He has made me to be and how he has clothed me with his strength and his dignity! (Proverbs 31:25)
I know that the Lord puts certain people into our lives in order for “His” role to be filled in certain ways. I know that God can act without people, but I also know that I have been touched, inspired and moved by people in my life caring for me, and loving me in ways and situations that only God knew I needed. I feel like I’m seeing a little bit of a transition of two of those people in my life right now (No dad your not off the hook yet, don’t get so excited lol) …and it’s the weirdest, most comforting, God thing. The Lord is showing me that even though I’ve grown up a little, and think I can handle this whole thing on my own, he’s still going to put people (cough person cough) in my life to help calm the raging seas and turn my eyes back towards Him.
Look at your life. Look at the people who love you and who have loved you in specific ways that blew you away. Maybe I’m crazy…but to me, that’s God’s love at its’ finest.
So yes, I still struggle with worrying. It is an ongoing battle. I am working on “learning to let go and let God”…whatever the crap that means because I sure as heck haven’t figured it out. Lol. I know that this worrying thing isn’t just going to go away, but I also know that as I battle this, I am so thankful that just when I feel like I am about to fall off the ledge, I hear that still small voice whispering…”Bailey it’s ok. I promise.”
And sometimes, that voice comes in the form of an Earthly dad, an incredible boyfriend, or a best friend I call mom. But whether or not that voice is actually audible…I promise you one thing…It’s there. He’s there. Take some time to listen to it. I know I need to.
So He said, “Go forth and stand on the mountain before the LORD.” And behold, the LORD was passing by! And a great and strong wind was rending the mountains and breaking in pieces the rocks before the LORD; but the LORD was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire, a still small voice.” 1 Kings 19:11
