Me Monster

There is a sign on my Grandmas fridge that says, “There are only two things in this life that you need to know: There is a God, and You are not Him”.

Some days…I praise the good Lord above for that…I praise Him that I don’t have to figure out what to do with this crazy world, I praise Him that His ways are higher than mine, that He knows the plans He has for me, that nothing can separate me from His love and that He works for the good of those who love him.

Other days….those verses I know so well in my heart don’t seem  to be louder than the insecure, loud, inner voice that wants to figure out everything right now. No, I do not mean tomorrow, I mean right now. As in, get a freakin piece of paper out, lets make a calendar and schedule in life the way its “supposed” to be.

I guess at the beginning of college, if I would have been able to do this (schedule out everything that would happen in my life)…I would be graduating in May, moving to D.C. and starting law school… and going into a profession that doesn’t have a my full heart. First of all, I would not have met my best friend and future husband. Second of all, I would have never figured out my passion for the non-profit world,  and third, I would have probably never had wanted to incorporate international relations into all of that.

So even though I know that I know that I know that His ways are higher….my feeble brain seems to claw at wanting things my way.

In this Bible study I am doing now with some of my friends here at school, we are studying insecurity and talking a lot about realizing what you are thinking about and trying to take hold of your thoughts for something greater.

For the next few days try and realize what you are thinking about as you go throughout your day… take hold of your thoughts. Verbalize them.

One of my friends describes the nature of humans and their daily thoughts as:

“ me me me me me me me me umm kind of you but not really…back to me me me memmememe…….Us (but mainly me)...memememememememmemememememee.”

Me until everyone thinks I have it all together. Me until I really think I have it all together. Me because I know I don’t have it all together.

I was trying this process of verbalizing my thoughts this past week and found out that sometimes my thoughts are hilarious, absurd and ridiculous (who knew right?).

I was going running the other day, training for my HUGE 5K race, and as me and my friend jogged by some girls getting into their cars in the parking lot, my first thought was, “Oh my gosh … they probably think we are so athletic”. My next thought? “I am probably running so fast that they wish they were me”.

Ok first of all. If you have ever seen me run, you KNOW that these poor girls were not thinking I was “ so athletic”. And from my 11 minute (very proud of it) mile time, I can tell you for an absolute fact that these girls were not thinking about how fast I was running. I can actually bet that they were most likely NOT thinking anything about me.  But, I was thinking about me…trying to make “me” feel better, more justified, more “ok” at this life.

My mom calls it the me monster. Man I hate the me monster…I hate who the me monster stands for…but I am definitely a me monster sometimes.

As I progress in this Bible study and in life (day by day), I am figuring out slowly that NOTHING is going to justify me, nothing is going to make me feel better, nothing is going to help me feel like I have got this life thing in the bag. Not an amazing man, not a great career, not the perfect outfit…nothing can satisfy me the way my soul craves. None but Jesus.

We are all imperfect beings running around to other imperfect beings …all of us trying to derive some sort of satisfaction for the life that each of us  is living. Doesn’t it make sense that one imperfect being cannot satisfy another? Or that an imperfect being is just that...imperfect? That he/she cannot be ok their own…that they NEED, DESIRE, WANT, and BEG for some ounce of perfection to save them from the stupid, monotonous, idiotic and suffocating cycle that is constantly yearning for something more.

C.S Lewis once said, “If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world”.  

So today, after a tearful conversation of “what-ifs” with Rudolf  (who I might add.. is probably going to be nominated for sainthood upon his death just like my dad is, and who takes all the tears/laughs and emotional rollercoasters I can throw at him in perfect stride) …I have come up with the following conclusion:

No, I don’t know how I am going to like it in Brussels this time around, no I don’t know if I will end up staying in a foreign country for many years, no I don’t know where exactly I will be living in January, no I don’t know my routine yet for the spring, no I don’t know if I can handle all of it and do all of it well. 

Yes, Lord, I would love for you to quickly reveal all of this and more to me in a dream. Yes, Lord, I would love for you to merge two oceans, allowing me to be with all the people I love at the same time…in the mean time you could also merge Texas with St. Louis as well. 

And yes, Lord…. Somewhere in me I know that you are God, and I am not. And that I know you carry me each and every step of this life. I know that you love me, that you are full of grace and mercy in ways I don’t comprehend. I know that you give me chances and opportunities that I don’t deserve.  And I know that if the “me-monster” was God…we’d all be in a lot of trouble.  

Thank you Lord for loving me, even when I am so consumed with myself and my desires…God please help me love others just a bit of the way you do. Help me give my life to the grace you give, the hope you provide and the unending LOVE that you are…help me live for something that is way greater than anything this “me” can ever imagine.

For more information about the me monster:  :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NiUsfEkVRDY- Brian Regan Me Monster

Like My Momma Does

No it is not my Mom’s birthday, nor is it mother’s day… but I wanted her to know in a special way today that I love her and am SO proud of who she is.

I am often called mini-Penny. This phrase used to scare the daylights out of me….because I swore to myself I would never talk to strangers like she did, that I would never accidentally imitate the accents of foreigners like she did, that I would never speak as loudly as she did in movies....

And today, after reminiscing a bit, tearing up a bit and thanking the Lord a bit…I realized that not only do I do all of those things like my mother, but I am so thankful that I do.

My dad started a new job this week at our church. Everyone is SO proud of him, so thankful for him and treasures his advice, words of encouragement and expertise so much. Me and my family are of course overwhelmed with pride for him. And I will be the very first person to admit that I am a daddy’s girl. My dad is such an incredible example for a young girl of what her heavenly father looks like. No, Bob Bollinger is not perfect…but he’s as pretty close to Hercules as one can get in my mind. He has taught me through his words and actions to love the Lord wholeheartedly and to care deeply for those around you. I am so blessed to have the father that I do, and now have a fiancée that so closely resembles him in so many ways.

I say all of that to say, my dad has gotten a lot of press throughout the last four years. He has battled a tumor, long rounds of chemotherapy, and taken countless amounts of pills that have done everything but killed him. Don’t get me wrong, I am so proud of my dad, so blessed by him and have learned so much from watching him love the Lord so consistently through all of this….but the person at the end of the day behind my dad and my family is my mom.

That woman has been such a strong, quiet (yes, I said quiet) warrior for my family.

I wrote a letter to my Mom that I read to our church for Mother’s Day 2009 right after dad got sick…here is an excerpt from it

 “ I think a major problem in this world is our selfish nature---how we each individual human focuses only on ourselves.. We all do it, constantly. I think that is why so many diseases, wars and conflicts occur every single second of every single day…we just can’t get past ourselves.

            Let me tell you one thing--- whether it is staying up with my brother forcing him to do geometry homework or holding me while watching a chick flick after a really bad break up--- my mom definitely defies her selfish nature to take care of us.

            She may be thoroughly exhausted by the time we get home from school after she goes to the hospital with my dad, but she somehow focuses on us…we turn to her and depend on her like nothing ever changed. And she gets the job done. She is the reason this family still works. My dad may be sick but my mom picks up his slack and remains her amazing self— a little loud but WAY full of life in a way we should all want to be.

In the past six months, I have come to understand that our moms love us selflessly. They see the best in us even when we are crazy and emotional. They love us and take care of us no matter how tired hurt or frustrated they are.

 The strength and love that my mom has shown me and my family has helped me in my faith---you see, I see a glimpse of how God loves us in the way my mom loves me and takes care of me. She shows me that there must be a God and that this world may be ruled by selfish nature---but selfless love can defy that and conquer it.”

So fast forward three years…and now I am engaged, moving off to a foreign country in about 2 ½ months and my poor mom is left trying to love and support me through it all, which she does.

            Whether it has been through her countless hours of prayer for me and my future husband (which we now know is Rudolf), liking every post I have ever had on Facebook, sending me sweet text messages telling me to “remember whose image I’m made in”, taking me on spending sprees to Goodwill (don’t knock it til you try it people), or cuddling with me even when she doesn’t want to while we watch hoarders…. I have come to cherish, appreciate and look up to her and the way she loves me and ALL of those around her.

Today I am more like my mom than ever….and more proud to be than ever. I have her

mannerisms, her hand gestures, her laugh, her hands, her nose and her “gusto” for life… I pray that no matter what country I am, what language I am trying to speak (or imitate unknowingly), that I not only continue to have her qualities, but most importantly, that I seek the Lord the way she does … and that I try to love ALL people with God’s love, just like my momma does.

In the letter that I read to my mom on mother’s day all those years ago…I told her I was going to miss her immeasurably that next year while off at college. And the same goes for right now almost four years later…

Mom, I am going to miss you so much while I’m in Belgium for the first part of next year. It hurts my heart to even think about it…but I want you to know that so much of who I am is because of you. I am SO honored to be called your daughter and promise to take all you have taught me everywhere I go in this life.

And I promise I will be home before you have grandchildren.

To all those reading that are not my mom: Love your moms, aunts, grandmas, and mother figures today...thank them for all they do--- they teach us a new version of strength each and every day with their sacrificial love. Remember all the times they did the dishes when you were just too tired? Or when they sent you that care package just at the right moment? Our Mom’s show us that selfless love does exist---and it is such a great example of God’s love in action. Try and love someone today the way your mom loved you….its the same way Jesus loves you! Remember that the care, love and appreciation from a mom to her children is only surpassed by one other man’s love…and he hung on a cross for his kids over two thousand years ago. 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gX-04oKskFs