There is a sign on my Grandmas fridge that says, “There are
only two things in this life that you need to know: There is a God, and You are
not Him”.
Some days…I praise the good Lord above for that…I praise Him
that I don’t have to figure out what to do with this crazy world, I praise Him
that His ways are higher than mine, that He knows the plans He has for me, that
nothing can separate me from His love and that He works for the good of those
who love him.
Other days….those verses I know so well in my heart don’t
seem to be louder than the insecure,
loud, inner voice that wants to figure out everything right now. No, I do not
mean tomorrow, I mean right now. As in, get a freakin piece of paper out, lets
make a calendar and schedule in life the way its “supposed” to be.
I guess at the beginning of college, if I would have been
able to do this (schedule out everything that would happen in my life)…I would
be graduating in May, moving to D.C. and starting law school… and going into a
profession that doesn’t have a my full heart. First of all, I would not have
met my best friend and future husband. Second of all, I would have never
figured out my passion for the non-profit world, and third, I would have probably never had
wanted to incorporate international relations into all of that.
So even though I know that I know that I know that His ways
are higher….my feeble brain seems to claw at wanting things my way.
In this Bible study I am doing now with some of my friends
here at school, we are studying insecurity and talking a lot about realizing what you are thinking about
and trying to take hold of your thoughts for something greater.
For the next few days try and realize what you are thinking
about as you go throughout your day… take hold of your thoughts. Verbalize
them.
One of my friends describes the nature of humans and their daily thoughts as:
“ me me me me me me me me umm kind of you but not
really…back to me me me memmememe…….Us (but mainly
me)...memememememememmemememememee.”
Me until everyone thinks I have it all together. Me until I
really think I have it all together. Me because I know I don’t have it all
together.
I was trying this process of verbalizing my thoughts this
past week and found out that sometimes my thoughts are hilarious, absurd and
ridiculous (who knew right?).
I was going running the other day, training for my HUGE 5K
race, and as me and my friend jogged by some girls getting into their cars in
the parking lot, my first thought was, “Oh my gosh … they probably think we are
so athletic”. My next thought? “I am probably running so fast that they wish
they were me”.
Ok first of all. If you have ever seen me run, you KNOW that
these poor girls were not thinking I was “ so athletic”. And from my 11 minute
(very proud of it) mile time, I can tell you for an absolute fact that these
girls were not thinking about how fast I was running. I can actually bet that
they were most likely NOT thinking anything about me. But,
I was thinking about me…trying to make “me” feel better, more justified, more
“ok” at this life.
My mom calls it the me monster. Man I hate the me monster…I
hate who the me monster stands for…but I am definitely a me monster sometimes.
As I progress in this Bible study and in life (day by day),
I am figuring out slowly that NOTHING is going to justify me, nothing is going
to make me feel better, nothing is going to help me feel like I have got this
life thing in the bag. Not an amazing man, not a great career, not the perfect
outfit…nothing can satisfy me the way my soul craves. None but Jesus.
We are all imperfect
beings running around to other imperfect
beings …all of us trying to derive some sort of satisfaction for the life
that each of us is living. Doesn’t it
make sense that one imperfect being cannot satisfy another? Or that an
imperfect being is just that...imperfect? That he/she cannot be ok their
own…that they NEED, DESIRE, WANT, and BEG for some ounce of perfection to save them from the stupid, monotonous,
idiotic and suffocating cycle that is constantly yearning for something more.
C.S Lewis once said, “If I discover within myself a desire which
no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that
I was made for another world”.
So today, after a tearful conversation of “what-ifs” with
Rudolf (who I might add.. is probably going to be nominated for sainthood upon
his death just like my dad is, and who takes all the tears/laughs and emotional
rollercoasters I can throw at him in perfect stride) …I have come up with
the following conclusion:
No, I don’t know how I am going to like it in Brussels this
time around, no I don’t know if I will end up staying in a foreign country for many
years, no I don’t know where exactly I will be living in January, no I don’t
know my routine yet for the spring, no I don’t know if I can handle all of it
and do all of it well.
Yes, Lord, I would love for you to quickly reveal all of
this and more to me in a dream. Yes, Lord, I would love for you to merge two
oceans, allowing me to be with all the people I love at the same time…in the
mean time you could also merge Texas with St. Louis as well.
And yes, Lord…. Somewhere in me I know that you are God, and
I am not. And that I know you carry me each and every step of this life. I know
that you love me, that you are full of grace and mercy in ways I don’t
comprehend. I know that you give me chances and opportunities that I don’t
deserve. And I know that if the
“me-monster” was God…we’d all be in a lot of trouble.
Thank you Lord for loving me, even when I am so consumed
with myself and my desires…God please help me love others just a bit of the way
you do. Help me give my life to the grace you give, the hope you provide and
the unending LOVE that you are…help me live for something that is way greater
than anything this “me” can ever imagine.
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